Yesterday morning, for the first time since I made "The Decision," I started to feel the tug. On my way to meeting a close friend for our bi-weekly morning walk, it occurred to me that these precious hours were now counted. She and I have walked in the mornings, off and on for several years, and these moments are both important and delicious. Together, we debrief, we gain perspective, we laugh, we vent - and we set the day to come. And per our calculations, we have about 5 of these bits of goodness to enjoy. For now.
It's good. I am choosing this. Because life is so skilled at giving us what we want (I have a retroactive blog post coming about that and the magic that took place in the last weeks or two to make this happen) I am grateful for what's to come. And there are only 5 of these special walks left.
All of a sudden, the switch has been flipped, and while I intend to remain as present as possible in the deliciousness of my life here, I know that time has come to prepare for the next chapter, time has come for many "last times - for now."
Which means thinking about the very few things I want to take with me.
And that part is a lot of fun.
Why? Because, just as a move to a smaller home asks of us to pay really close attention to what is Actively Used or Deeply Cherished, the thought of living out of a backpack (which we have to carry) for 6 months has a way of getting us thinking essentially really quickly.
So yesterday, I got busy doing just that. Thinking about what I will want to not be without. And conveniently enough, the answer to this question surprises me by landing me to pretty much one place: my herbalist. In the lovely shop, aided by a young woman whom I have learned to trust, I am loading up on my special tea, and my favorite oil. Out of the shop with a small brown shopping bag, I feel ready. Most anything else, I can do without or I can get "there," wherever there happens to be, But even sweeter than being ready, I love having gotten that closer look at me, and at what matters to me.
Organic tea and organic oil.
I don't know that I knew this about me.
Sounds like the gifts have already started.
This summer has been, and continues to be a lovely, sweet chapter of this big book of Life Lessons.
One big part of the curriculum has been Boundaries and the exercises have come at me at a steady pace, and in varied shapes.
I am grateful for this chapter as it is one I need to practice and eventually master (heal).
Here are two main points I take, as I navigate this textbook, day after day:
- If I give you access to part of me, my resources, my time, my life, it does not mean I give you unlimited access to any of it. I get to decide what and how much I give - and what I don't give.
- Holding my boundaries does not make me a bad / mean / difficult / ungenerous person - no matter what my fearful inner voice tries to tell me.
I am grateful (and not always gracefully so) for all the teachers that have come my way to help me practice my homework, these past few months.
And I look forward to passing this lesson.
I feel that there is a difference between forgiving someone, and allowing ourselves to trust them again.
It's a two step process, or maybe sometimes we don't get to the second step. Which I think is fine.
The pain and confusion come from assuming that one automatically leads to the other - and then beating ourselves up for not being able to live that.
SCARED OF THE SACRED