I Miss You. I Love You.

I miss you. I love you.
I miss you. I love you.

I miss you so damn much.

No one has ever taken that spot in my life, your spot.

You taught me to laugh, I am pretty sure.

You taught me to not give a damn about what people thought, but you pinched my underarms hard when I did not use my manners.

You taught me to be my own woman, but you taught me to always look good for my man.

You marched me to the doctor when I turned 14 and asked for a birth control prescription. It would be two years before I would use it but you wanted me to be ready "and not have to ask my mom in case you were no longer around when I wanted it." You were...62. You had lots of big living to do, still.

You didn't take me on grandmother dates to the park nor to Disney movies. You allowed me to accompany you to never-ending tea parties at your girlfriends' where I was to not talk but sit and eat rosewater loukoums in incense-scented rooms.

You did take me to a movie once. It stayed etched in my mind for decades. Finding it again last year, I realized how inappropriate it was for an 11-year-old. It woke up in me a passion for Italy and possibly a penchant for highly dysfunctional relationships.

You gave me La Vie en Rose and more songs.
When I opened my bakery, named La Vie en Rose, you sent me many French pastry books.

Your smile lit up a room, and your laughter was wildly contagious.

You made me look forward to hot flashes, and when they came my way, I melted into them as in a closet full of your scarves in which I wanted to bury my face.

You were always up for an adventure, a new business, a move.

I still have boxes full of your letters.

I miss you. I love you.

I want to tell you about my life. I want to hear you say: "Fais that vie, ma chérie."

The last time we saw each other, that heavy, heavy April 2000, in that strange room that you would have wanted to paint a deep red, they told me you would not recognize me.  F*** them and their not knowing of US. They were wrong.

Happy birthday, my love.

I love you. And man... I miss you.