What Is Wrong?
Well, I am not sure what the heck is wrong with me. And I am pretty sure that any sentence that starts this way is headed in the wrong direction, anyway. Two “wrong” in one opening paragraph. Wow. Something is going on.
I am writing from one of the most beautiful spots I have seen. A sweet balcony overlooking the Mediterranean sea from so high up, I feel like I am in a bird nest. A hill of filled-to-the-rim olive trees to my left. A sunny room all to myself, with a little house to go with it. A medieval village where most of the streets are for pedestrians only, since a car would never fit in the narrow passageways. Beauty every.where. Italian sounds wafting up to my window. A lovely table all ready for me to write. Time. Lots of time. A crazy beautiful (and seriously steep) walk down to a pristine beach. Orange trees, carob trees, lemon trees.
And did I mention time?
Time was what I wanted the most when I concocted this plan. Time to write, to be, to finally do all the things I can’t seem to get done within the cocoon of my regular life. I had dreamed of this for so long, tasted it, saw myself soaring with creativity and vitality. In my vision, I got up early, hiked, ate healthy food, sat down to write for several hours each day, and fell asleep reading a great book, in the middle of the bed and with a smile on my face. Alone and blissed out.
The reality is that since the train dropped me off two hours south of Naples, less than two days ago, I have been in some level angst. First, a hard time breathing from a reaction to the laundry soap on the sheets, then a cold. And most of all, this semi constant dialog going on in my head about how I should feel, and how can I not see the gift? How can I be so ungrateful?
This is not fun.
I hiked down to the beach yesterday, huffed back up, took photos, watched a movie on Netflix (which, according to my thoughts, is much less enlightened than reading a good book). I went to the market this morning and bought a bunch of veggies. Came home and made a big pot of soup. Had fresh mozzarella (holy smokes) with barely off the vine tomatoes and some basil for lunch. Meditated. Talked with clients.
I can see what this looks like, from the outside. Heaven, really.
So why am I so freaking bound up inside? This is more beautiful, peaceful and supportive than I would have dreamed. And affordable. Why can I not accept the gift?
I don’t know. Yet.
My guess is that in a few days, I will.
In a few days, I will settle in and snuggle up with the gift. I will make friends with this crazy-making mind chatter. I will put down on paper all these words that have been patiently waiting for this very time to come out and dance. Maybe a small book will pop out, too. Maybe.
Or maybe there is a completely different gift awaiting me, here. Something that has nothing to do with the way I think it should look.
Whatever it is, I intend to recognize it and to say yes to it. To be a good steward to it, too.
Meanwhile, the sun went down and the almost full moon just lifted up like a balloon over the tree covered hill, on its way to lighting up the sea, later tonight. And I didn’t think this place could not get prettier...
Life is big. And it always knows best.
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11/1/2017 11:17:49 pm
Dear Laura, what you feel reminded me of something I read recently: "Once freed from the cage, an animal finds itself alone, unsure of what to do, separated from a life and things that it understands. The sudden uncertainty can be paralyzing." ('The Motivation Manifesto' by Brendon Burchard). As you say, in a few days, you'll know! You'll settle into the new rhythm, peacefulness will come back and words will flow.
11/1/2017 11:27:24 pm
Thank you for these illuminating words, Asia!
11/2/2017 09:06:46 pm
As I read this a Essence word came, see if it fits... Surender
11/3/2017 02:45:31 am
Thank you for this, Vickie. Yes, I think that was the portal, right there.
11/2/2017 11:10:11 pm
Ahhhh. The difficult and usually fruitful waiting for timing. The patience that is required. Oh yes. The mind afraid that it has missed the train when it hasn't even comem but when just holding the ticket doesn't seem like enough. I know you will settle into the enjoyment, and that is a gift itself, even if the expectations are not fulfilled at the time or in the way you expected. I am confident it will all be as your deepest self desires...sending you much love and many hugs from our wet and cold PNW. Enjoy! B
11/3/2017 12:30:48 am
Yes. Yes. Thank you <3
11/4/2017 02:04:09 pm
Dear, dear Laura, I have great empathy for the words you write here, because I too have experienced such feelings and racing words of angst. I only know that along MY path, clearing the angst, telling it to begone........and breathing and drinking in the deliciousness that was surrounding me at those moments in time, allowed me to connect with the greater wisdom that was just within my grasp.......Reach Out my friend, Reach out!!! Huggzz and Love <3 Annie
11/9/2017 09:22:48 am
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