I Got a Little New Year Butt-Kicking

I woke up feeling a little off.

It often happens after a trip to the US and also the first day of the year seems to always beg me for “a bilan,” as we say in French. Taking stock. Where have you been? Where are you going? That kind of light early morning conversation.

I felt weird. A bit hollow as though my compass has stopped working. Where HAVE I been? Where AM I going?

As is often the case, my heart lives in many places and this morning, it did not feel good. It made me doubt. Doubting is not something I do well.

I moved slowly, listening to The Voices. Not all of them were nice. They whispered about time wasted, about WHYs, and about HOWs. They reminded me of all the people I love who are so far away and what the hell I am doing.

I let them talk.

I made my bed.

And then I was given a Gift.

I had a visual memory of exactly four years ago today.

I let the memory take me on a little trip.

Four years ago today Lila, my backpack and I landed in Puerto Vallarta. It had been a rough flight and I was looking forward to settling into the little cabin I had rented for us, an hour away from the city in this little village I had fallen in love with after just spending a few days there months before.

It was time.

Mexico had been calling me for decades and the combination pandemic and my kids no longer needing me to live in the same country as they did gave me the green light (funny enough, they all met me down here within months).

Before leaving and with my out-loud voice I had committed to staying four months. Standing on the north end of the beach later that day, I heard myself say: “I am never leaving.” I still recall the feeling in my body when the words came out.

The little cabin was modest and enchanting. Within weeks I found myself researching out to apply for residency. Time passed. I started to dream in Spanish.

It was not easy, and it wasn’t easy for Lila either as she was getting a lot of attention from local dogs. We would walk out of the house and I would tell her: “We can do this.” Then I would put on her leash, take a deep breath, and off we would go into the busy cobblestoned streets. One day, I left her leash at home and forgot to take a deep breath. She trotted with me to the beach and back and that’s when she honed Her Special Look, the one she has been giving to over-flirty dogs for four years now. She learned this trick quicker than I did.

The four-month mark came and went and I signed a longer lease on the little cabin. My family came to visit. I received my residency papers. Tiji-the-cat became part of our family.

I made a few really good friends.

One day while on a long country walk with Lila, a few weeks shy of having been here a year a man working outside asked me why I was walking there, away from the village. “I am looking for land to buy” came out of my mouth. I had not known that I was looking for land to buy.

Two months later, I was putting down a small down payment on a plot of dirt at the edge of the jungle, and before the end of the year, a day before a hurricane arrived, we were moving into a little house I had first drawn on a napkin. Note: these were very long months and one of the hardest things I have done.

Because we are living on the other side of three river crossings and because gas is expensive, I bought a quad and then learned to ride it. Lila took a little time getting used to it but now she loves it.

I kept writing, and teaching. I held some Retreats.

And then I started painting.

For realsies this time. After years and years of letting my art be a side dish, I finally brought it to the front burner. I have held several shows in the last year, some down here and one in the States. I turned my bedroom into an art studio and people tell me they love my work, I am selling it, and the best part: I am creating art that make people smile, art that honors them, too.

Last spring, around Lila’s 5th birthday and as the birth of my baby granddaughter was adding one more string to the ones that connect me to my life across the border, Marley-the-pup became part of our little jungle family. We love her madly.

Something about the date, something about making the bed, something about lifting the lens higher up helped so very much.

It’s not perfect. Pieces of my heart are sprinkled across many miles. I have possibly priced myself out of living in the States again. I don’t know what next year looks like.

AND also

My life is so very lined up with my Essences. I have met a much braver, freer me than I ever knew. My spiritual connection has grown so rich. I have gotten both tougher and softer.
And I have seen how much can be done in four years.

That part excites me a lot because, on the night of my birthday last week, I had a dream, a vision. And this new braver me knows that if this is the right invitation, I will be able to give it a sweetly strong YES.

So yeah. Making my bed was a good idea. So was daring to take stock and letting The Voices do their things.

This is my New Year’s message to you: You can make big changes by starting to say Yes to just one thing. Then another. It’s ok not to know what the next thing will be. It’s ok to wonder.

You can learn so much, stretch so much, discover so much, and meet so many parts of you you haven’t met yet. That part is super fun.

There are many ways to play.

I wish YOU a very Happy New Year 🧡

PS: for those of you who are interested in joining me in Mexico for an infusion of inspiration AND powerful tools, I am considering offering a weekend “Back to Me” Retreat on March 15 and 16th. Email me for more info.