Back home, I contacted a couple of people, asking for advice. People I knew, people I didn't know.
On FB, I read a gentleman's empassioned post about the local environment. I thought maybe he would care about that was going on. Maybe he could help.
I reached out to him. I explained.
His question came at me unexpected: "Do you have a permit to build your house?"
What?? That's not the point! I am talking about what these guys are doing! These OTHER guys! Not me!
"No, I don't" I answered. Because... I don't.
Before buying the land, back in February, I had asked the seller if I would need permits to build. He told me that I did not. Before we started building, I asked Jorge if we did. He said we didn't. Both said that because of where the land was, and because we were not getting services like electricity, water and sewage, we did not need permit. I was happy to believe them and off we went.
"You don't??" asked the gentleman-who-was-supposed-to-be-outraged-by-what-OTHER-people-were-doing?"
"I don't," I repeated. Then I explained why.
"How do you think this town can grow if there are clandestine houses being built?"
This was not going well, I did not like to think of my house - or anything I do - as clandestine.
Also, I was profoundly aware that something was happening inside of me, just as I was typing words to this man on my computer. Something big and very unpleasant.
I thanked him for having pointed me in this direction and I went for a walk.
I felt sick. I knew I had just been served something I could not ignore. I knew that the only way out of it was going to be through it.
Clandestine. That's exactly what I had been accusing the water plant of doing. Clandestine shit. Illegal stuff. And it turns out, this was exactly what I had been doing.
Not knowing, Not abusing anyone else's property. but still doing. I had helped myself to something without using the proper channels. Clandestine.
Whew. That felt pretty darn heavy and terrible.
I asked for forgiveness, I asked to be guided. and I hoped that maybe, maybe this humbleness would suffice.
The next morning brought on a bit more humility.